When Should I Leave My Addicted Spouse?

Learning that your spouse is struggling with drug addiction can be heartbreaking. You see the person you love descend into the rabbit hole of addiction, and there is nothing you can do to drag them back out. As things progress, your relationship becomes more strained, and it begins taking a toll on your health and well-being. You feel guilty for even thinking about leaving your spouse, but the emotional toll of your current situation is becoming too much to bear. However, you try to hold out because you want to help your spouse. 

Knowing when to leave a spouse struggling with addiction is difficult, but you must understand that your well-being is more important. By identifying the right time and place to leave, you can keep yourself safe.

Understanding Why You Want to Stay

Many individuals are afraid to leave their spouse when addiction is present, either out of fear or because they feel guilty. Others worry that leaving will cause more problems, so they opt to stay in a toxic situation rather than risk further instability. Writing out why you are afraid of leaving can help you examine the reasons and rationalize them. Some reasons you may come up with include:

• “I don’t want to leave them alone in their darkest moment.”
• “Leaving them will make me a bad person.”
• “I’m worried they may do something to harm themselves.”
• “I’m all they have left, so I can’t leave.”
• “Something terrible may happen to them if I leave.”

While some of these reasons may come from your love for the person, rationalizing them into a black and white situation can help you prioritize your mental health. Staying in a toxic relationship, especially one where addiction is present, will only cause further problems. Facing the fear of leaving will help you escape and live a more wholesome life for your health and general well-being.

Convincing Yourself To Leave

Even when convinced you will leave, there may still be a voice in your head that keeps you in the relationship. Perhaps you believe that one day you’ll wake up and the person will stop, that it was all a bad dream, and life will return tomorrow. Maybe you think that you are the only thing keeping your spouse alive at this point. However, nothing is worth sacrificing your health and well-being, even your spouse. Trying to rationalize staying will only hurt you more in the end. 

Talking to others outside of the relationship can help you gain perspective. Sitting down with a close friend or family member can help you see the alternatives and benefits of leaving. Go over what you are afraid of, how you are feeling, and possible outcomes. Doing so can help convince you that leaving is the right option.

Why Should I Leave My Spouse?

When you attempt to rationalize staying with your spouse struggling with drug or alcohol addiction, you may be blind to the reasons you should leave them. Leaving the person you love is never easy, but identifying why you should leave can open your eyes to the problems at hand. Consider if any of these reasons are present in your current relationship and reflect on why you are staying:

• Codependency: Codependent relationships flourish in relationships where addiction is present. The codependent wants to save the person struggling by sacrificing their health and well-being, but they enable the person’s addiction. The person struggling with addiction doesn’t stop their behavior because there are no consequences. The codependent will always be there to clean up their mess. Such relationships not only enable addiction but take a significant toll on your mental health as well.

• Abuse: Unfortunately, abuse is common in relationships where one person is struggling with addiction. The disease hijacks the person’s brain and causes them to engage in behaviors that they never would while sober. Individuals that are generally calm may have fits of rage. They may take out their negative feelings on the people closest to them, engaging in physical, mental, or emotional abuse. Ending the relationship is key to escaping this abuse.

• Dishonest Behavior: It is not uncommon for those struggling with addiction to be secretive about their whereabouts, money, and time. Finding that your spouse is lying to you should be a deal-breaker in any relationship, but it should convince you to leave if your spouse is already struggling with addiction.

There is no definitive answer of when you should leave your addicted spouse. However, it is recommended that you get out of the relationship as soon as possible. Doing so will help you protect yourself and your health. If you need help getting out, there are resources available. Remember to always put your well-being first.

Being married to someone with an addiction can lead to countless problems for yourself and the relationship. However, even with numerous issues, you may find it difficult to leave the person you love. Considering why you are telling yourself to stay and then examining why you should leave are excellent ways to help convince yourself to leave. You may want to wait until the “right time,” but there is no right time. As soon as you realize you are in a toxic situation, it is best to leave right away. If you need help getting out of a relationship where addiction is present, NorthStar Transitions can provide you with resources. Not only do we specialize in treating individuals with addictions, but we also offer programs for the loved ones of these individuals. We want you to feel safe and cared for just as much as your loved one. Call us to learn more at (303) 558-6400.