When someone you care about has undergone one of the worst scenarios you could have imagined and engaged in behaviors to the point that you don’t know who they are anymore, it can be devastating. You no longer recognize the person you love and instead have been hurt by them in the worst of ways. Perhaps they continuously lied to you, stole from you, and took advantage of the love you had for them to enable their addiction. The hurt caused by this can cause tension, anger, and even break apart relationships, especially if the person never apologized. However, you must remember that addiction is a disease and can cause individuals to partake in behaviors they would never think of normally. If you have been hurt by someone that is currently struggling with addiction, here is how to accept the apology you never received to move on.
It is important to remember that addiction is a disease. It “hijacks” and alters the brain into becoming dependent on drugs and alcohol until they are all the individual can think about. These effects on the brain cause them to engage in behaviors to retrieve the substances even if said behaviors are things they would never do ordinarily, such as lying or stealing. You must remember that they are still the person you love, though. They are still your family member, spouse, child, or close friend and are not a bad person. It can be easy to see things in black in white when you are hurt, but the truth is that everything is grey. While addiction does not excuse their actions, it can help you become more understanding of them.
It is crucial to remember that the hurt your loved one is causing you during their struggles with active addiction does not come as a personal attack against you. Addiction is not personal, and the hurt that comes your way is not because you did anything wrong or provoked it. Your loved one is struggling with a disease that causes them to continually prioritize drugs and alcohol over their responsibilities and things they love the most. Guilting them or using your love against them to make them stop using can worsen their behaviors. Try to learn about the disease to support them more practically.
It is easy to treat your loved one passive-aggressively or even with direct anger because of the hurt they caused. It is understandable to be angry at them for hurting you and not apologizing, especially when they don’t seem to show any remorse. However, it is essential to remember that the person isn’t using drugs or alcohol as a way to hurt you intentionally. They have a disease, and shaming them for that fact will likely make the situation worse. More often than not, those struggling with addiction are aware of the harm they are causing and at times want to stop but are unable to because they need to keep their addiction going. Using tough love can make them feel worse about themselves, causing them to self-medicate even more. Instead, approach them with love and support. They need it a lot more than you may realize.
When you are angry about not receiving an apology from the person that wronged you, it is essential to remember that an apology won’t magically make everything better. It is vital to think about your expectations of an apology versus its reality. Apologies are just words that don’t mean anything unless actions follow them. It can be easy to shame someone for not apologizing for their wrongdoings, but remember that a simple apology won’t fix everything. They don’t erase what happened, and they won’t instantly heal you or the other person. Realizing these things can help you let go of the notion that the person must apologize to you. While it would be nice, it is not necessary for your own healing.
Once your loved one enters treatment, they will begin working towards healing themselves and eventually righting the wrongs that occurred when they were struggling with active addiction. While making amends and apologizing to the ones you hurt is an essential step in recovery, friends and family need to manage their expectations regarding apologies. Treatment won’t heal everything overnight nor make the relationships instantly better. Even when your loved one has been in treatment for an extended period, you still may not receive an apology when you think you should. It is essential to manage your expectations for your loved one’s recovery, as everyone moves at their own pace and does not heal according to your schedule.
Being hurt by someone you love and trust that is currently struggling with addiction can be painful and even devastating, especially when you haven’t received an apology from the person. However, it is essential to know that you don’t need an apology to heal yourself from the hurt; it’s not necessary for you to move forward. Therefore, you must find ways to accept an apology you never received. NorthStar Transitions believes that addiction affects the entire family unit, causing rifts between individuals that love and trust each other. We are committed to helping your loved ones get the help they need while also helping them become educated and get the support they need regarding addiction. Located within the city of Boulder, our individualized care addresses each person’s specific needs, including family troubles. The NorthStar difference is clinical excellence, evidence-based therapeutic modalities, and personalized treatment plans. We hope that our treatment can help your family heal as a whole. Call us today at (303) 558-6400 to learn more.
