How Do I Know if I’m Enabling Someone?

Many toxic behaviors can exacerbate an individual’s struggle with addiction or mental illness. Enabling behaviors, in particular, prevent individuals from seeking necessary treatment while exacerbating their symptoms. These behaviors manifest in many ways. In general, though, they may lead someone to think it’s okay for them to continue substance use.

Enabling behavior prevents harmful behaviors from being corrected. Treatments like cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) focus on recognizing negative thoughts or behaviors and correcting them. When people enable others, it becomes harder for them to benefit from treatments like CBT. Determining if you are enabling and eliminating these behaviors is essential for your loved one's treatment and overall wellness.

What Is Enabling Behavior? 

Enabling behaviors are ones that allow a loved one to continue engaging in addictive habits. This is done usually by eliminating or reducing the consequences of doing so. When the person with an addiction doesn't have to deal with harmful effects, they are not motivated to enact change.

Unfortunately, determining whether you're supporting or enabling can be difficult. The main difference is that, while enabling prevents your loved one from experiencing the full force of the consequences, supporting allows those consequences to come up while empowering them to deal with the aftermath themselves.

Determining Enabling Behavior

To determine whether you're enabling or supporting, consider the answers to the following questions: 

• Do you find yourself making excuses for a loved one? 
• Do you regularly put your needs second because they need your attention? 
• Do you think or know that the behavior you are seeing is unhealthy or irresponsible? 
• Have you, or do you, routinely lie for them?

If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, you may be enabling a loved one's addiction. You can work with professionals to adjust your behaviors so your loved one can recover.

Different Kinds of Enabling Behaviors 

The ways enabling behavior manifests vary by person and situation. Enabling behaviors may include:

• Denial that your loved one struggling with addiction can be rational or control their substance use
• Monitoring their substance intake and getting them home safely
• Justifying or agreeing with someone’s actions or justifications
• Keeping feelings related to your loved one's substance use inside
• Avoiding problems or conflicts related to helping someone find treatment
• Minimizing the problem of substance use and passing it off as no big deal
• Protecting the image or reputation of someone by hiding their substance use
• Blaming, criticizing, or lecturing instead of finding the proper treatment
• Taking over the responsibilities of someone who is hung over, under the influence, or unable to handle their responsibilities because of substance use
• Talking down to someone struggling with addiction or treating them like a child
• Controlling someone struggling instead of finding them help
• Dismissing the situation and thinking it will go away on its own

What Causes Enabling Behaviors? 

Most people do not intend to come off as enabling. They are simply looking to help their loved ones. There are, however, some factors that cause enabling behaviors. These factors have a strong correlation with co-dependency.

Below are a few risk factors for becoming someone who chronically enables others rather than helping them: 

• A history of neglect or abuse 
• Growing up with dismissive parents 
• Having parents or caregivers with personality disorders 
• Overprotective caregivers 
• Insecure or anxious attachment style 
• Struggling with personality disorders 

If you resonate with any of these risk factors, you may want to examine your interactions with loved ones who struggle with addiction to determine whether you might be enabling.

Can You Stop Enabling Behaviors? 

People can stop enabling behaviors in several ways. It takes work, but it is possible to make the switch from enabling to supporting. Some ways to do this include: 

• Bringing attention to the issue and compassionately expressing that substance use or other addictive behaviors are not okay. Make it known that while you can not support harmful behavior, you are willing to help them change.
• Encourage them to seek help. Together, you can help your loved one explore ways to get help.
• Set boundaries and stick to them. As mentioned, the line between support and enabling is thin. Boundaries help you continue to support without falling into enabling habits. 
• Remember that it’s okay to say no, which is critical for recovery. 
• Consider going to therapy yourself. A therapist can help you recognize and correct enabling patterns. 
• Avoid substance use around someone who is struggling. 

You may have a loved one struggling with addiction who is in serious need of treatment. However, in your attempts to help, you may be enabling their addiction further. By taking the necessary steps to correct your enabling behavior, you can help them enter recovery today. To learn more or seek help, contact NorthStar Transitions today. 

The line between supporting and enabling loved ones is paper thin. When we enable others, we excuse their behavior or prevent them from dealing with the consequences of their actions. When it comes to loved ones struggling with substance abuse, enabling behaviors prevent them from dealing with the impacts of their addiction. It can be easy to enable others in many ways. Some people take on the responsibilities of others, and some deny there is a problem in hopes that it will resolve itself. Regardless of how enabling presents itself, there are ways to change this behavior. If you have a loved one struggling with addiction and mental illness, NorthStar Transitions can help. We can also help you identify and quit enabling behaviors to keep your loved one on the path to recovery. Call (303) 558-6400 to experience change today.

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